Today’s unadoptables, or category of unadoptables, are the Pirates, our furry misfits who through some past misfortune find themselves short an eye or a leg or otherwise bearing a rough appearance more suited to a Tortuga grog house than a fashionable California home. Despite their imperfections, the Pirates are an adaptable lot, fully capable of defending a spot at the KF buffet, the evening scratching queue or at the top of a cat tower. None of these scuffed up furballs will end up on the cover of Cat Fancy, but were you looking for a show cat who dismisses you like a peasant or tested little guttersnipe who thinks that idea sounds awesome and you should go for it? Exactly.
Sally, Rose and Niko are each missing an eye but slip through life as if one is plenty and, as we’ve seen, the other one would just get in the way. You’ll be tempted to feel sorry for them but it’s empathy wasted—their heroes Sammy Davis, Jr., Johnny Depp and Nick Fury kept pace with the Rat Pack, blew $650 million and saved the universe with similar “limitations”. These marauders will find the food bowl, litter box or your favorite scrunchy, no problem.
Lance, Maddie Bee and Griffin, each a paw short, still scoff that gravity is for humans and can “go cheetah” at the pop of a can of Friskies. Mr. Potts with his lazy eye and crooked grin—too many pre-neutering street brawls—looks like Mickey Rourke the wrestler but purrs like the 9 ½ Weeks version. Even Bran is “cockroach quick” per Jackpot and thinks nothing of chasing down others fleeing in full on four paw drive. You make do with two legs in flip flops…what makes you think three, with claws for traction and balance, would be a hindrance?
You’re no doubt thinking, “I don’t need my house looking like a Mad Max set”, but if we’re being honest here, none of us is much to look at before the day’s first latte—hunched over, shuffling around looking for our reading glasses. Each of the Pirates bears the mark of an inopportune decision or curiosity coming up a bit short in its effort to solve the cat problem, but there’s eight more lives of love left in this lot and as Potts notes, “Chicks dig scars.” When you’re ready to liven up that Facebook feed, there’s something to be said for a cat that is fearless when others scatter. “That’s just a Dyson V8 and it’s not even on a full charge. Wake me up if she pulls out the V11…”